“I almost peed my pants” doesn’t begin to cover it…

I often use the phrase “I seriously almost peed my pants”. I use it to describe how funny something was or how badly I was startled. This time, I can’t impress how serious I am! We all know I’m not the biggest fan of the camping, being dirty, bugs, etc. but I’m trying to broaden my horizons and try new things, damn it! I was really looking forward to “being one with nature” and all of that and now that I’ve had my authentic camping experience I think I’m good for a while! Saturday night after dinner we were all pretty much exhausted and freezing so we decided to head to bed really early. I grabbed my flashlight since it was pitch black and started to head to the bathroom which was, of course, all the way across a huge field on the other side of Africa. I was mostly concerned with not stepping in one of the giant piles of animal crap so I wasn’t really paying attention to what was in front of me until I, no joke, nearly walked into a zebra. I flashed my light up just in time and saw an entire herd just hanging out in our campsite eating grass. This was the first of many “I almost peed my pants” situations I had that night. I made it back to my tent and drifted off to sleep relatively quickly despite the early hour, the freezing cold, the herd of zebra, and the herd of drunken Europeans yelling loudly in various languages. I would say I fell asleep around 9. At around 2 AM, I awoke to something loud outside my tent. It was definitely a sound I had never heard before – I have no reference for wild African animal sounds. The wind was blowing our tent pretty fiercely as well which in a half-asleep state of mind translated into stampeding elephants. My tent mate and I slowly worked up the courage to peek outside and found only grazing zebra about 2 feet away. I’m mildly OK with the Zebra being there but this is also the point where I remember that I have an open bag of cookies in the tent with me and something sounds suspiciously like warthogs in the distance. I convince myself it is probably just someone snoring and I try to go back to sleep. The wind is whipping, the zebra are munching (loudly!), and the snorer/warthog is getting louder (and possibly closer?). Of course, I now realize that I have to pee. Obviously. I’m regretting the two cups of hot tea I had before bed to keep me warm! I’m lying awake, trying not to think about the increasing pressure of my bladder when the snorer/warthog sound definitely sounds nearby. Now I’m freaking out. You would think not having open containers of food in your tent on safari would be common sense but apparently I didn’t get that memo. By this point it’s nearly 3 AM and I absolutely have to go to the bathroom. I make the very wise decision to trek to the bathroom and take the bag of cookies with me to throw them away. At least then they won’t be in my tent, right? I grabbed my flashlight and my shoes and ventured out. This time I am careful of both piles of poo and grazing zebra and I’m moving slower than molasses for fear of startling something and causing a stampede. I’m flashing my light ahead of me, checking things out, when I see two huge yellow eyes staring back at me from 30 or so feet away. So there I was, in the middle of the African wilderness, surrounded by God knows what, being watching by any number of flesh eating predators, about to actually pee my pants and holding a bag of cookies. I actually laughed out loud at the absurdity of my situation and then I did the only logical thing I could think of. I said “Oh hell no!” dropped the cookies, and booked it back to my tent. I didn’t get to pee until 5:30 when the rest of the camp woke up at which point I found my abandoned stash lying in the field right where I left it.